The Good Humor Man

I am conflicted. It's no secret that my best days are behind me. That whenever anyone cites my best work, they almost always reference one of my films from the 1990s or earlier. I have not been nominated for an Emmy since my appearance in the 2002 'Wings' reunion special, or an Oscar since 1998's 'In The Weeping'. And when is the last time my appearance in any medium was not regarded as some form of good-natured self mockery, even when that was not the intent? I guarantee if I lingered at The Grove long enough this afternoon, the only thing anyone under the age of 30 would say to me is "Hey, you're the Butt Chef!" I am still reeling from that SNL appearance. So, I am conflicted. I have an opportunity. An offer has been made to my manager, who, in turn, has relayed said offer to me. And it is yet another chance to show what a good "sport" I am. Grand. I need to call my manager back by 5pm. Is it an afternoon by the pool contemplating my slow demise tomorrow? Or a day on the set, politely fielding questions from young actors as I get fitted for a special pair of stunt slacks for (let me read this directly from the pdf I was sent) "A man with a tiny unicorn living in his pants". I've read the bit - apparently the unicorn's presence makes it very hard for the man in question to find a nice girl, as most are repulsed by what they perceive to be a roving hard-on beneath his...oh alright I'll do it. I'm already chuckling as I type this.